I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
