You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Who died my cat blue again?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
