I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
