hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
