It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
