that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
