god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
