just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
