If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
