an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize