1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
