Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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