Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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