he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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