Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
