My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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