she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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