oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
