It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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