I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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