3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
