Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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