i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize