final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
