im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
