Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
