yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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