I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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