Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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