people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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