Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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