thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize