i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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