What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
