four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
