she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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