I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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