i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
this is an emotional support booty call
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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