I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize