she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
