My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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