do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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