Define "chronic" masturbator.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
