Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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