The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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