Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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