It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
