What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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