we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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