Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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