Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
