i just sent this text using only my big toe
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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