Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
