woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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