Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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