dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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