I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize