I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I met the friendliest cop last night
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Randomize
