You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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