And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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