As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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