wrigley field is MILF paradise
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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