I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
