just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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